PERSPECTIVES

Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a beginning. Jewish law has fixed the age of thirteen for boys and twelve for girls as the beginning of adulthood. Therefore, a child legally enters the stage of “responsibility” at that time and becomes a Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Being a Bar/Bat Mitzvah means reaching the age of Jewish maturity and assuming the privileges, obligations and responsibilities of following the Mitzvot, the commandments of Jewish law.

This period of training and preparation can be a time of growth and enrichment, not only for the student, but also fot he family as a whole. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah should be treated as a catalyst in your child's life - the time for grappling with ideas and identities, both Jewish and secular. It is a time that can have deep significance, and be of vital importance to your child's development as an individual and a Jew.
 
EDUCATION

Preparation for a Bar/Bat Mitzvah begins when the child enters religious school. It is expected that every child be enrolled in the Beth Am Jewish Learning Center, San Diego High School for Jewish Studies, or a Jewish Day School before and during his/her Bar/Bat Mitzvah year. It is important to remember and to impress upon our children that the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is not the end of their Jewish Education but rather a very important milestone within it. Formal Bar/Bat Mitzvah preparation tutorials begin approximately six months prior to a child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah date and continue until the ceremony.  Tutors will be assigned by Rabbi Kornberg and will contact you to arrange a schedule. In addition, it is expected that all students continue their Jewish education at the San Diego High School of Jewish Studies (Hebrew High) or equivalent after becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

BAR/BAT MITZVAH

Since the cornerstone of the rite is being called to the Torah for an Aliyah to recite the blessings, a Bar/Bat Mitzvah can take place any time the Torah is read. Traditionally, the Torah is read every Monday, Thursday, and Saturday. The Torah is also read every Festival morning and on Rosh Hodesh (the New Moon) each month. Please remember that Congregation Beth Am is an egalitarian synagogue and that service participation follows the guidelines as such. Each student is given a Bar/Bat Mitzvah date occurring as close as possible following their 13th birthday according to the Hebrew calendar. Dates are assigned during the students’ 5th grade year. Each family will be notified with their assigned date soon thereafter.  We are fortunate to have a large and growing family at Congregation Beth Am with many students preparing for their B’nai Mitzvah at the same time. To accommodate the increasing number of candidates, please be aware that most dates will have more than one Bar/Bat Mitzvah student at the same service.

THE BAR/BAT MITZVAH PROGRAM  

The Bar/Bat Mitzvah program is specialized in order to prepare each individual with the necessary skills and knowledge to enable them to take their position as members of the synagogue and the Jewish community. In order to participate in this program a student and his/her family must meet the following requirements:  

• All candidates must be Jewish. Please feel free to discuss any issues relating to this with us.

•  It is the synagogue policy that all families must be members in good standing: that all dues, fees and other financial obligations be 100% fulfilled at least 6 months prior to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah date.

• Jewish Education -- All candidates must have successfully completed at least three years of education at Beth Am’s Jewish Learning center immediately preceding the Bar/Bat Mitzvah (if transferring from another synagogue or school, equivalent years are accepted). If enrolled in a Jewish Day School, students must have completed a minimum of two year’s immediately preceding the Bar/Bat Mitzvah. If the student has graduated from a religious school program attendance at Hebrew High is required. During their seventh grade year all students and families (JLC and Day School) will participate in Beth Am’s monthly Tallit ‘N T’fillin (TNT) Program.

•  Student must be currently enrolled in an approved Judaic education program.

• Mitzvah program -- A Mitzvah is one of G-d’s commandments. When one becomes a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, he/she assumes the obligation of observing and performing the Mitzvot of Judaism. Since a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a “family affair,” we ask each family to participate in the mitzvah program together.  Each student and family will participate in the mitzvah program, which is incorporated into the monthly TNT’s.

• Hebrew requirement -- Students must meet a minimum Hebrew requirement, as set by the Rabbis. If additional tutoring is needed to meet this minimum level, it will be at the family’s expense.

• Shabbat attendance -- Shabbat attendance is necessary to thoroughly familiarize the student and family with the Services and procedures of our Synagogue.  The Bar/Bat Mitzvah student and their family are encouraged attend Shabbat services at least twelve (12) times during the twelve months prior to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah.  Of the twelve, nine should be either Shaharit or Minha, depending on the service in which you will be participating.  Of course, it is hoped that attendance at T’fillah (services) will be a part of your family’s regular life style. Please understand that familiarity with the prayers comes through exposure; it is only fair to students that they be given quality time to listen and learn.

• Tutorials -- Approximately six months before the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, each student will begin a series of individual meetings with one of our tutors. Students are assigned to a tutor by Rabbi Kornberg.  Tutors will contact you prior to the beginning of lessons to arrange for a schedule. Each student is expected to study at home each day and to fulfill the assignments given. We recommend at least one half hour of study each and every day. Bar/Bat Mitzvah preparation is cumulative learning; it must be repeated and reinforced. Studying the day before the next lesson just will not accomplish the goal. We urge parents to carefully supervise your child’s study and preparation for lessons. If at any time during the six (6) months of formal training the student falls behind, the parents must provide tutoring at their expense until the student is on schedule. Parents will be regularly informed of their child’s progress. Approximately six weeks before the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, the students will begin weekly meetings with the Rabbi to review all preparations and including his/her Bar/Bat Mitzvah speech.

• Continued Jewish Education -- It is expected that the Bar/Bat Mitzvah student and their family make a commitment to continue his/her Jewish education at the San Diego High School of Jewish Studies or equivalent. Remember if your child approached you with the desire to drop out of public school it would be out of the question. Such is the importance of continued Jewish education for the development of a committed and educated Jewish adult.    

BAR/BAT MITZVAH FEES

The current fee for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah program is $985. This fee is in addition to the regular JLC school fees and helps to defray the cost of the tutoring provided to train the students, material fees, and other administrative costs. This fee will be charged to the membership account twelve (12) months prior to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah. The fees are subject to change and will be billed at the amount current twelve (12) months before the student’s date.

BAR/BAT MITZVAH PREPARATION SCHEDULE

Each Bar/Bat Mitzvah family will follow this basic schedule:  Attend Shabbat services regularly. This is essential to provide the highest level of comfort for your child on his/her Bar/Bat Mitzvah day. In the 7th grade year:

• Attend monthly TNTs as a family.
• Work monthly on TNT Mitzvah Projects. Eight – Seven months prior to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah
• Call to arrange six month meeting with Rabbi Kornberg. Six months prior to Bar/Bat Mitzvah
• All families should meet with Rabbi Kornberg for the 6 month family meeting.
• Students begin weekly tutorial sessions.
• Students should be practicing at home at least one-half hour (1/2 hour) per day.
• Students should begin working on their speech.
• Bar/Bat Mitzvah fee should be paid in full prior to this time.
• Schedule six week family appointment, four meetings, and rehearsal with the Rabbi.
• Schedule meeting with Executive Director to speak about facility arrangements. Six weeks prior to Bar/Bat Mitzvah
• Families will meet with Rabbi Kornberg for the 6 week family meeting.
• Students begin to meet for four weeks with the Rabbi to prepare and rehearse for services.
• Have a rough draft of speech ready to bring to the Rabbi by five week meeting.
• Rehearsal time should be confirmed with the Rabbi's assistant. Three weeks prior to Bar/Bat Mitzvah
• Return Publicity Questionnaire to Rabbi Kornberg.
• Return completed Honors Sheet to Rabbi Kornberg.
• Submit final copy of parents’ speech to Rabbi Kornberg.
• Submit copy of Booklet, if you are making one, to Rabbi Kornberg for approval. Week of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah
• Bar/Bat Mitzvah rehearsal.
• Student leads afternoon T’fillah (service) at JLC (for students of the JLC).

THE REHEARSAL

During the week preceding the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, a rehearsal is held with the Bar/Bat Mitzvah student, the parents, and the Rabbi in the Synagogue. The rehearsal takes about one and one-half hours (1 1/2 hours) and is important to ensure a smooth flowing Bar/Bat Mitzvah day. The rehearsal does not replace the need to attend services on a regular basis.

• Photography -- You may wish to have a professional photographer take pictures to commemorate the Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Please remember that no photography, professional or amateur, is permitted at the Synagogue or on its grounds on Shabbat. The facilities of the synagogue are available before or after the Bar/Bat Mitzvah day for taking “simulated” poses. In practice, most people use the time of the rehearsal for taking pictures.
  
  
• Video -- Professional video recording is not permitted in the Synagogue on Shabbat. However, through the gift of the 1987 Adult B’nai Mitzvah Class, which contributed timer-generated video equipment, we are now able to record your son’s/daughter’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah. The recording is from a simple, stationary camera and provides a wide-view of the entire pulpit.  If you would like a copy of this video, please request one from the office after the Bar/Bat Mitzvah.  

IN PREPARATION FOR THE SERVICES

• Food baskets -- In lieu of flowers, we ask that you donate two food baskets for the needy to be displayed on the bimah. The contents of the basket are given to Jewish Family Services after the Bar/Bat Mitzvah and should contain KOSHER food.  If you choose to display flowers or plants they must be in addition to the food baskets.

• Religious items  -- Your child will want to have his/her own Tallit and Kippah for their Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Any of the Jewish bookstores in the area will carry these items.  The Beth Am gift shop also has a very good selection of Tallitot at excellent prices.

• Invitations -- Any reputable printer can print Bar/Bat Mitzvah invitations in varieties of script, colors and designs. In keeping with the spirit of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah please do not order your invitations on Shabbat. Please remember to include an invitation to the Friday night Kabbalat Shabbat Service on your invitations. It is important to keep in mind that Judaism is about community-building. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah is an important transition into adulthood and how invitations are handled is a lesson in itself.  It is very painful for an individual child to attend a service of a classmate when everyone else is invited for the festivities and they are not, especially when comments are made that exclude the individual. Please obtain a current mailing list from the JLC office as close to your anticipated mailing date as possible.

• Parents should speak to their child about proper behavior/comments in class and at a service or party. No one wants to invite a child who is offensive to their own child or cannot be trusted. We as a shul and community can only make guidelines; it is up to each family’s conscience to enforce them properly.

BAR/BAT MITZVAH ETIQUETTE SUGGESTIONS

1. You and your child are encouraged to attend Friday night and Saturday morning services, whether or not s/he is invited to any social celebration.
   
   
2. When your child is a guest of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, it is appropriate for them to be present at least for the Torah service, Bar/Bat Mitzvah introduction to the Haftarah and the Haftarah.
   
   
3. All candidates or recent Bar/Bat Mitzvah students are expected and encouraged to participate in Ashrei during Saturday morning services, when called upon by the Rabbi. All students who have already been Bar/Bat Mitzvah should be present with their own tallit.
   
   
4. In order for your child to participate properly in the service, and to ‘be there’ for their friends, any ‘breaks’ your child takes from the service should be brief, and close to the sanctuary.
   
   
5. Proper attire includes knee length skirts or dresses (modest attire) for girls, and slacks with collared shirts for boys. Once students have become Bar/Bat Mitzvah, they should wear talitot each Shabbat morning. Please review with your son/daughter how to sit on a raised platform. Short skirts, bare shoulders, and bare midriffs are not acceptable, and people so dressed will be asked to cover themselves before entering the sanctuary. We urge all honorees to be conservatively and appropriately dressed.
   
   
6. Our young men and women should understand that their behavior (both at the service and at the celebration) is a reflection on the Bar/Bat Mitzvah family, the synagogue, the school, and their own family. When they conduct themselves properly, we can all be proud!!!
   
   
7. All men, regardless of their faith, are required to wear kippot in the synagogue building. Jewish men and women may wear a tallit (prayer shawl) during appropriate t’fillot. It is required that women, as well as men, with an honor wear head coverings.

TO SAY THANK YOU

We urge that you permanently inscribe your child’s simha on Beth Am’s TREE OF LIFE. It is very fitting and proper to make a contribution to the Synagogue in honor of your son’s/daughter’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Speak to the Rabbi for suggestions regarding which synagogue funds might need your support.  Students should discuss their own choice of tzedakah recipients with their parents. The maaser, generally 10% of cash gifts received at the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, is an additional way to participate in the community.

THE BAR/BAT MITZVAH SERVICES

The key element of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is for the student to be familiar with the design of the T’fillot (services). Our students participate in services on a variety of levels, some more fully by leading a large part of the Shabbat service and/or by reading additional portions of the Torah. If you have a question about the service, family or student participation (including non-Jews participation) in the service please feel free to bring it to Rabbi Kornberg.

FRIDAY EVENING SHABBAT SERVICE

Shabbat Candle Lighting -- Grandmother(s), mother(s), Bar/Bat Mitzvah, and sisters come up on the bimah for the Shabbat candle blessing. Recite paragraph #IV found on page 302 in the Siddur Sim Shalom and then the candle lighting berakhah (blessing) found on page 301. Tallit Presentation -- Parents present Tallit to child and say a few words. These remarks should be limited to approximately 2 minutes and should be in keeping with the religious significance of the occasion. Longer speeches are appropriate for your celebration. Parent speeches must be submited to the rabbi three weeks prior to your simha.  Kabbalat Shabbat and Maariv Service – led by the Bar/Bat Mitzvah Student(s). Kiddush -- Grandfather(s), father(s), Bar/Bat Mitzvah and brothers come up to recite the Kiddush.  

SATURDAY MORNING SHAHARIT SERVICE

Birkhot HaShahar & Psukay D’Zimra – led by the student(s), a family member, or a congregation member.  Shaharit -- led by the student(s), a family member, or a congregation member. Torah Service:

• At the beginning of the Torah Service, parents, grandparents and siblings walk slowly to the ark.
  
  
• The ark is opened, the crown is placed on the Torah, and the Torah is handed down from generation to generation. At a service with two B’nai Mitzvah students, the Torah will be passed through one family and then through the second family.  The student receiving the Sefer Torah second will carry it through the congregation to the shulhan (table). The other student will carry the Sefer Torah as it returns to the ark.
  
  
• Family members stand together in a straight line on the bimah, facing the congregation, while the prayers of Sh’ma, Ehad and Gadlu (pg 141) are recited. As the student carries the Torah through the congregation family members should follow the Torah until they reach their seats at which point they return to their seats.
  
  
• Torah Readings – The student generally reads at least one Torah portion. Family members and friends are called up to the Torah for the Aliyot. Families are given the privilege of distributing many of these honors to family and friends.
  
  
• All of our students, whether Shaharit or Minha, shared or single, will have three (3) Aliyot to distribute to their family. Typically, one of these is reserved for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, one for the parents, and the third for the grandparents or other honoree.  The other Aliyot will go either to the other Bar/Bat Mitzvah family or to other members of the congregation.
  
  
• At our Synagogue, both men and women are called to the Torah. In the past, some honorees have had difficulty chanting the blessings. We insist that those who are chosen for Aliyot be thoroughly competent to recite the Torah blessings, so as not to embarrass themselves, you, or our Congregation. Blessings can be located on page 142 of the siddur.  The music can be learned by requesting a tape or by visiting the Bat/Bat Mitzvah section of our web site (www.betham.com).
  
  
• Family members are encouraged to learn one of the Torah Portions to chant in honor of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child. Please understand that the portion is read from the Torah Scroll does not have vowels and takes significant preparation. ‘Cheat sheets’ will not be permitted at the shulhan.
  

• Following the Maftir reading, the honors of Hagbah (lifting the Torah), and Gelilah (binding and dressing the Torah) are available for your family.

• If there are two B’nai Mitzvah students participating in the service one family will distribute the honors of Hagbah and Gelilah and the other family will distribute the honors of the prayers found slightly later in the Torah Service.

• Prior to the reading of the Haftarah portion the Bar/Bat Mitzvah presents a short  speech.

• If there are two B’nai Mitzvah students participating in the service one will read the first portion of the Haftarah and do his/her speech on the Haftarah, and the other will read the second portion of the Haftarah and do his/her speech on the Torah portion prior to its reading.

• Following the Haftarah, parents come up to the Shulhan for the Parental Blessing (provided for you). At this point the student has the option of reading the Bar/Bat Mitzvah Pledge. The Rabbi will discuss the pledge with the student during their meetings together.

• Additional honors which the family has the opportunity to distribute are: A Prayer for Our Country on page 148 (English), A Prayer for the State of Israel on page 149(English and Hebrew), and A Prayer for Peace on page 149 (English).

• If there are two B’nai Mitzvah students participating in the service these prayers will be distributed by the family which is not covering Hagbah and Gelilah.

• Other honors include opening the Ark at the end of the Torah Service. When the Torah is returned to the ark, those being honored precede the Torah to open the ark.   

A DOUBLE BAR/BAT MITZVAH  

We know that there is a great deal of concern around the concept of having two students share a morning service. Please be assured that we have done our homework and have been in contact with other synagogues that do this on a regular basis. We have designed a general concept based on what we have found works best. Each set of students will be different based on their needs, desires, and abilities. We will work with you every step of the way to make sure that everything works smoothly.   

BAR/BAT MITZVAH SPEECH

During the six months prior to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah the student should research and write a rough draft of his/her Haftarah/Torah speech. The rough draft should be brought to the five week meeting with the Rabbi. Please remember to read and research commentaries on the appropriate section for your speech – either the Torah or the Haftarah - they are different. If you have any questions about which you are doing please contact us. The speech should be between three and four minutes in length and contain three main sections:

1. The history and background of the piece. (Who wrote it, when, what does it say?).
   
   
2. What message in the parasha can be related to life in today’s society?
   
   
3. How does it connect to you and your life? As this is a Dvar Torah, a "Torah Talk," it is appropriate to focus only on these three sections.  "Thank you"s may be written out in the pamphlets or expressed orally during the reception. Research – The primary place to find information on your Haftarah/Torah is by reading the translation in the Humash. This will provide you with an overview of the portion and several commentaries on the bottom of the page. If you would like additional commentaries there are several places to go. The Agency for Jewish Education located at 4858 Mercury Street in San Diego has a binder for each Torah and Haftarah portion which may be helpful. There are also several books in the JLC. The World Wide Web also has a tremendous amount of information.  

SOME REMINDERS

1. All deliveries of food, baked goods, and gift baskets must be made to the Synagogue before 2:00pm on Friday.
   
   
2. Please remind your guests that smoking, photography, writing, and the use of audio or video recorder, are not permitted in the Synagogue or on the Synagogue grounds on Shabbat.  Also, please ask your guests to put all pagers or cellular phones on silent mode before entering the sanctuary.
   
   
3. Candies are not permitted to be tossed at the Bar/Bat Mitzvah because of the possibility of personal injury.
   
   
4. If you are having a significant number of non-Jewish guests, a booklet with explanations of the service is a nice way to help them feel more comfortable. Examples are available from Rabbi Kornberg.
   
   
5. Please remember that your child as a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is leading services as a celebration of their entering into the adult Jewish community. We know that the details of planning a Bar/Bat Mitzvah can sometimes feel overwhelming but hope that you will keep in mind the intent of the simha. If you have questions or concerns of any kind please feel free to bring them to our attention.

THE BAR/BAT MITZVAH SIMHA

There is no “right” way to approach the manner of celebrating a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. The kind/amount of activities and food which are provided to guests is the choice of each family. We would only hope that your celebration will reflect the occasion—that the luncheon/dinner/party honors your 13 year old son/daughter who has just participated in a sacred religious ceremony.  Friday Night Oneg – Families are expected to participate in co-sponsoring the Oneg following Friday night services in honor of their child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Please speak to the Executive Director for more information. When the synagogue holds a dinner some families join us for the evening. Saturday Kiddush – Families are expected to participate in co-sponsoring the Kiddush following Saturday morning services in honor of their child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Many families choose to co-sponsor or sponsor a Kiddush luncheon for the community. Please remember your child is celebrating his/her Bar/Bat Mitzvah as a part of the community. If you choose to host a luncheon directly following services, you are highly encouraged to include the community in your simha. Please speak to the Executive Director for more information. Saturday S’eudat Shlisheet – If you are having a minhah/maariv service you will need to decide what ‘type’ of S’eudat Shlisheet, third meal, you wish to have between the minhah (afternoon) service and maariv (evening). In our congregation this third meal can be as simple as cookies, cake and drinks; a time to serve hors d’ouves; or a sit down meal for your guests. Please speak to the Executive Director for more information.   

THE RECEPTION

Your reception can be held Motzei Shabbat (Saturday night), Sunday afternoon or evening, or several other times. Remember, a successful party begins by incorporating Judaism. If your simha is on Motzei Shabbat (Saturday evening) plan on beginning it with Havdalah and please remember that parties should begin after Shabbat concludes.  As education is an essential part of the Bar/Bar Mitzvah experience, parties should not be planned during JLC hours.   Entertainment should be in keeping with the values of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah. A Las Vegas Night may not be the most appropriate of themes. Please remind DJ’s that certain songs are inappropriate for B’nai Mitzvah receptions. The Rabbi will regretfully decline your kind invitation to any party that is held outside the Synagogue on Shabbat. He will make every effort to attend parties held on Saturday evening (his arrival will be after Shabbat) or Sunday, provided the food served meets kosher dietary requirements. When choosing outfits for your child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah as well as for those that he/she will attend please keep in mind that this is a celebration of their coming of age in Judaism and that their clothing should be in good taste with a reasonable amount of modesty.     

THE FOOD

All food that is served at Congregation Beth Am must be kosher. Please speak to the Executive Director for more information about catering and preparations.

If you have a luncheon/dinner party at home, in a restaurant, or any place other than the Synagogue, we, of course, cannot insist that it be kosher. However, we respectfully urge you to consider having a kosher meal in keeping with the spirit of the reason for the celebration. If you choose to serve a meat meal it should contain kosher meat with no dairy products served at anytime during the evening. A dairy meal can include any type of kosher fish. If you have any questions regarding Kashrut at your simha please contact us. We are happy to work with you and if necessary the caterer/hotel/restaurant to avoid any issues.

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